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View Full Version : Too Much Loving, I'm a terrible mother and I feel so guilty.



goldcountryrose
1st January 2007, 02:50 AM
First, I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy New Year.

Now for my "issue". My Toby is so unbelievably affectionate that he insists on being "on" me every second. Most of the time he is content to curl up in my lap, but other times, he is really stubborn and wants to put his feet on my chest and have his face right in my face. He sniffs at my face and my mouth, and is really persistant in this behavior.

I had a really tough day at work today, and I really just wanted a little time to chill out. He would not stop climbing on me, I would say, "down", "down", but he would not stop. Finally I really raised my voice, and pushed him down.

He looked like I had stabbed him in the heart. So sad, so pathetic.

I know that one of the very best things about Cavaliers is their loving and devoted nature, but, EEGAADS, am I just horrible for wanting him to leave me alone for 5 minutes?

.........Come to think of it, this could be why I'm divorced. LOL

Cathy T
1st January 2007, 02:54 AM
Oh I so know how you feel!! Jake is extremely persistent in demanding my attention and sometimes he just absolutely wears me out. When I get harsh with him and look at his sweet loving face...I cave in...come sit in my lap sweet boy and let me give you some love. Then we're all better.

We are all prone to bad days...luckily with a couple of minutes of love our pups forgive us!

WoodHaven
1st January 2007, 03:02 AM
icon_whistling There is a time and place for everything-- both husbands and cavaliers have to learn that :lol:

goldcountryrose
1st January 2007, 03:09 AM
:badgrin:

Well, he has worked his way back up to my feet, I am kinda sitting/laying on the couch.

At least he isn't sulking in the corner anymore.

Sometimes I also feel guilty that I love this little dog more than almost anyone or anything. But that is the nature of the addiction, isn't it.

Mic
1st January 2007, 03:25 AM
icon_whistling There is a time and place for everything-- both husbands and cavaliers have to learn that :lol:
You are sooooooooo right!
icon_whistling
I love your avatar, btw. It's my favorite!

Remali
1st January 2007, 04:46 AM
Oh gosh no, I think you are so right in needing a little "down time". My Bentley is that way too, he gets very clingy, and there are times I just have to sort of be firm and say "No" and push him down gently. Otherwise he'd be climbing all over me constantly. But I do know what you mean, Cavaliers are so very sensitive, so I try and find a nice toy or treat for Bentley and then hope he gives me a little time to myself, LOL!

judy
1st January 2007, 04:53 AM
icon_whistling There is a time and place for everything-- both husbands and cavaliers have to learn that :lol:


:lol:

Sandy, I love your avatar!

seriously, i went through this with my daughter too, and that was trial by fire. Oh the guilt i have known. But learning to respect reasonable boundaries is part of good socialization.

I do relate to your pain rose. imo, it's ok for you to let him know when it's not a good time and he will soon get over the rejection--it's the overall picture, not the small details, that count. If you come home and give him about 5 minutes (or less) of really good affection, and then say "Okay, i want to have some quiet time now," and gently move him away, and then if he comes back again, tell him firmly, then he can sulk as long as he wants, and when you are finished with quiet time, or just ready to have a break from quiet time, you can call him and hug him and let him get in your lap. If you don't want him in your face, you can set limits on that too. You will often be showing him how much you love him, giving him affection and attention, and it won't ruin the effect of that if sometimes you don't, even though he doesn't understand--just think of the mother dog, they lick their puppies and nuzzle them and suckle them, but then, eventually they start telling the puppy when enough is enough, or when they want to go into a puppy-free zone, and they chase them away, snap at them, growl, etc. the puppy is not traumatized by this, it's just socialization.

have you tried giving him some kind of diversion when you want some space, like a bone or a chew toy? Can he be distracted with something like that, if you want a positive way of getting some distance?

Kodee
1st January 2007, 05:42 AM
icon_whistling There is a time and place for everything-- both husbands and cavaliers have to learn that :lol:

YOU are my idol :lol:

robynmp
1st January 2007, 05:49 AM
You sound just like me and he sounds just like BOBO....he wants to be on me, under me, next to me, everywhere I am every second....

and I do love them almost more than anyone or anything else in the universe!!

luvzcavs
1st January 2007, 07:29 AM
I am just learning the hard way that part of good leadership is not letting these guys win all the time and that includes in a big way affection.

Only thing I could suggest is rather than wait til you are worn out with his attention and have a snap (sort of). At a time when you are both relaxed teach this, just make him get off you onto his bed or cushion whatever and teach him manners, patience and more than anything independance whilst also taking back some leadership. Eventually this will be ok with him and all will be well. :D

AT
1st January 2007, 10:57 AM
My sisters b/t charlie is so bad we just stand in the middle of the room for the entire visit.
Nothing will make him stay down ,You couldnt hurt his feelings if you tried.
& of course if he gets up the others get up so i'm covered in dogs :roll:

Shay
1st January 2007, 03:47 PM
I can so relate to what all of you are saying. Lily is really terrible with it. She flings her self in your face, puts her whole face over yours, kisses and hugs till you can't breath. If I am eating something, she literally tries to take it out of my mouth. I have tried everything, and then the guilt sets in, and I cave. She is just so sweet, I can't stand to see that litle face sad. Last night I had company and she did the same thing to them flinging herself in their face. Not everyone likes it :shock: She NEVER lets me out of her sight, and goes to the bathroom with me. She even wants in the tub when I take a bath. Glad to know that I'm not the only one. My New Years resolution is to teach her some manners :xfngr:

Here is a pic of how I have to type and she will NOT move. :roll:

http://preview.sdierking.photosite.com/~photos/tn/7403102_348.ts1167666312000.jpg

*Pauline*
1st January 2007, 06:47 PM
I'm sitting here with Dylan on my lap but he is still small enough to not get in the way! The minute I pick him up for a cuddle, he falls asleep in my arms,,,yummy!

judy
1st January 2007, 07:51 PM
..Here is a pic of how I have to type and she will NOT move. :roll: ..


oh my gosh shay, i would cave too. what a facial expression.. "mommy, how COULD you!"

:lol: good luck mom.

Karlin
1st January 2007, 08:15 PM
Obedience training is your (only) answer here. If he understands off, down, and stay, your problem is solved. If you haven't really worked to train these cues and especially, worked to gradually extend a downstay then he has *NO* idea what you mean when you tell him these things and hasn't learned enough self control to practice them. I'd enroll in a good rewards-based class and have the ability to have him happily take some downtime as a new year's resolution. Training takes time, patience and daily work -- eg a home training session or two of 10-20 minutes' duration to maintain obedience skills. 'Relax' is a good cue (it is a relaxed down, not a 'sphinx' down) -- but you also need to teach 'stay'. Dee (below) has a good training sheet of teaching 'relax'. It is probably my favourite cue!

If you want some guidance for home training I highly recommend the books and videos here:

http://siriuspup.com/

and the manuals here: www.deesdogs.com

But a class is far more productive for most people to establish the basics and teach folks how to effectively teach their dog.

This breed is very intense and closely bonded -- it is one of the points I make here as a potential 'negative' for some people when considering whether this is the right breed for them --

http://www.cavaliertalk.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=2304

-- and one of the main reasons I get for people deciding they want to place their cavalier in a new home. Thus this is also the main potntial characteristic and potential 'issue' I flag to anyone wanting to adopt a rescue cavalier -- which can be even more clingy especially initially!

That said spending the time training a dog pays off in a thousand ways and it isn't just this breed but any dog that will benefit from knowing self control and self-restraint that comes from good, fun obedience. :)

scuffer
1st January 2007, 08:37 PM
Amen Karlin!!! If we would let him....Boo would be permanently attached to our lips. As sad as it is...and sometimes we can't help it...but boundries are necessary if you want to get anything done. I say this after a half of Punkin' asleep in my lap :D

Shay
2nd January 2007, 03:24 AM
Hey Judy....That pic is really tame for her. Usually, she has her whole face on the key board or a paw or maybe two. I had just moved her little head off the keyboard right before hubby took the pic. It just cracks him up. I didn't even know he was taking the pic, he came up behind me. :)
She also whines and cries when I leave the room, even with hubby holding her and she adores him. I just have to be in her sight at all times. Do you think some puppy classes would help with this? Which ones should I check out? Hubby told me to call tomorrow, but don't know what kind we need to teach some manners and boundaries.

judy
2nd January 2007, 06:14 AM
i do think puppy classes will be helpful in helping her to be more independent. And some of it is just time. when i got zack, he followed me everywhere. Of course, he was my bathroom partner, and he still is, but now, he doesn't follow on my heels like he used to. Now, i'll be sitting there and he'll come in just after i get there carrying a ball for me to throw, or a toy to play tug of war with. For some reason, he thinks that is the fetch time. He used to lay on the bathroom rug and wait while i was in the shower, but now not always.

i thinkk it's because they are used to being wiht their litter and then we bring them home and they want to be with us because we are their new family. but like developing human children, in time, they become more independent. Puppy classes can be a good part of that process, just exposing the dog to new social experiences and new activities. I went to one free session of a puppy class and the way it was run was, the trainer gave everyone a baggie with lamb liver flavored proTreats, which most dogs really love. Then she had us have them on leash and i don't remember now the sequence but we would alternate between training exercises and free play. She would have us let them off leash to run around the small outdoor area together and play with each other, and explore other humans, then she'd have us call them and give them a treat and do another exercise, like sit. And then another play time. And then she had us pass our puppies to the next human over and we would have someone else's dog, and she had us do things like handle their paws and give them treats, touch their bellies, etc, so that the puppy would get used to more people and other dogs, and this, i'm sure, can help a puppy broaden her horizons and become less dependent on her home "pack" people.

i have to be quick to shift my laptop keyboard out of the way when zack's chin comes dow in that direction, or his head, he is way bigger now and heavier, but i love the feeling of him in my lap, especially now that the weather is colder, even better than a warm laptop battery. But a few times my laptop has fallen on the floor while trying to balance both computer and dog, and i'm having problems with the computer now and am about to send it to Apple for repair, and i'm afraid they'll not honor the warranty because of the little dent in it. But my renters insurance will cover it.

selina
2nd January 2007, 07:58 AM
I just had to teach Jeremy how to back off over the chrissy time cos he would run hell for leather at whoever was sitting on the couch and leap onto them regardless of who or what was on them at the time. Kid's, drink's, and food would go flying. So I taught him "off" so he knows when he is welcome and when he isnt. I also taught him " back" and "out" cos he suddenly decided that it was perfectly alright to run into the house when someone opened the door. I am a big believer in dogs only coming through a door or gate if invited. Not only does it teach them boundaries and keeps them safe if the gates open, it also is alot easier to get through an opening if your arms are full of shopping and kids.

Shay
2nd January 2007, 04:07 PM
Judy.....Thanks for the suggestions.

goldcountryrose----Sorry.....Didn't mean to steal your thread.

goldcountryrose
3rd January 2007, 03:30 AM
Thank you to all of you for your excellent suggestions.

I hadn't even mentioned the following me to the bathroom and trying to crawl on my lap, or pushing back the shower curtain while I'm in the shower.

I actually went and got him a puppy, real one, to have to play with. Other dog is not a Cav, and she is getting just as clingy to me as Toby is.
So, now, I have two dogs fighting for my attention, but it is lovely when they are both asleep in my lap.

Toby is now 11months, new puppy 4-5 months and obnoxious as can be.
This might have been a mistake, as she is already bigger than he is and plays to rough. But Toby gives as good as he gets.

You all are right, I haven't spent enough time teaching him commands. But you ought to see him dance and spin. And he rolls over, if he feels like it. And he fetches if he's in the mood. He does know "Stay" so long as I don't take my eyes off of him. Oh, and he has "Sit" completely managed.

So, I will work on down and Off. I hadn't thought of off. He is so smart, I'm sure that I will learn quickly.

Thank you again, especially for sharing your own experiences. A day without a Cavalier is like a day without Sunshine. In fact, if I ever get a little girl Cav, maybe that's what I'll name her.

estertje
3rd January 2007, 02:19 PM
Sam can be somewhat invasive too! He even yelps when I go for a pee :sl*p: But we're working on it, I'm not coming out of there untill he stops crying (can take a while!!). And when he starts barking to get on my lap I firmly say 'no' and he's starting to get that now! at first I found it really hard to say no to the little face with those big eyes, but he has to learn, otherwise he'll get really anoying later on and I don't want that!! Especially when we have visitors. So, you're not horrible when ou say no! You're doing him a favor!

murphy's mum
3rd January 2007, 06:23 PM
After reading these post I feel so much better between a Cav and two cats I don't get a moments peace in the bathroom. If your in the shower one of them is normally there, and when O/H is in the bath Murphy is desperate to get in along side him :rotfl:
But lately we have been trying to have some ground rules. Especially when we are eating, Murphy now lays on his bed, looking at you with those huge brown eyes.
Cuddles are geat but we all need 2 minutes to ourselves :D