“THE WHEEL—NOW ROUNDER AND FASTER!”
September 17th, 2009 by Nicole Wilde
Sure, you’d snicker if you saw that claim, but what many dog training websites promise amount to the same thing. New, ingenious methods abound! Your manic mutt will stop misbehaving in a matter of days! Thousands have purchased our manual! Don’t miss out on these fabulous secrets only we can impart!
Okay, let’s get real. Just as there’s no diet that’s going to let you shed beaucoup pounds in a short amount of time healthfully—sorry, it still comes down to those nasty small portions, fruits, and veggies—there’s no magical “secret” to dog training. It takes time, patience, and commitment. But that’s not sexy or provocative; so in the spirit of attention-seeking behavior, allow me to share some of the more fabulous secrets:
The Laser Beam Attention Secret: you can train your dog to give you attention when you call his name! Yes, folks, instead of your dog continuing to sniff the ground as “La, la, la…” appears in a thought bubble above his head, you can teach him that his name is a cue to give you eye contact. Impress your friends! Dazzle the neighbors! Feeling really adventurous? Try it out with your spouse!
You Don’t Even Have to Whisper! Yep, you read that right. It’s a well-kept industry secret, but I’m here to spill…know how impressive it looks when dogs respond to hand signals without so much as a verbal cue? Well…hand signals are actually easier for dogs. Since they don’t have human language, dogs are constantly interpreting our facial expressions and body language to figure us out. Understanding hand signals comes more easily than learning verbal cues. But don’t tell anyone—you’ll blow our whole magic act.
Dogs Need Exercise! Mind-blowing, isn’t it? Who would’ve thought that, just like two-year-old children, dogs are much better behaved after they’ve gotten their ya-ya’s out. Now, this secret has been carefully guarded for many years in the inner circles of professional dogdom, handed down from one sacred guardian of wisdom to the next. Ah, but heck, it’s all over the media now, so go for it!
Dogs Have Great Hearing! No, really. I know you’re earnest in your belief that Buddy didn’t hear you the first three times you said, “Sit!” in a progressively louder voice. But big reveal time…Buddy can hear a potato chip hit the carpet in the next room! He heard you the first time. Don’t tell him I told you.
Well, I could go on and on…but then you’d have no reason to purchase my manual, “The Wheel—Now Rounder and Faster!”…er, I mean, “Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers!” I’ll even throw in a ginsu knife.
