Kaytee How can I go on?

I dont want to upset you but I need to share im sorry.

Hi everyone, You may remember I used to come on this forum a lot about Kaytee my black and tan cavalier, she had so many health problems, elongated soft pallet, heart murmur, syringlomelia, IBD and dry eye.

She had been getting worse over the months but she was a confusion, she had coughed since the age of around 6 but it got worse and worse.
We moved in june last year and we found a new vet, things seemed to be on the up, he understood her soft pallet problem and she had a heart work up the first time anyone had ever taken things further trying to help her.
months on kaytee was coughing more and more, she had started to wobble and her legs were often weak, her blood pressure was also up and down all the time, she was 10 and she was finding it harder and harder to enjoy life, but still she was fighting and me and her were everything to eachother.

Last monday she was coughing constantly, her throat seemed red and ulcerated and she wouldnt eat unless I blended her food.
The vet said he would do a heart work up, we needed to work out why she was coughing it was hard to tell if it was her heart or throat.

Thurs she went for the work up and I got a call, I was told she would be lightly sedated and the vet rang and said she had bad infection in her teeth, he thought this was making the throat real bad and should he try taking some teeth out. Having my trust in him I said yes. kaytee had bad teeth, if I tried to clean them she would panic and often pass out from her throat.

It all went horribly wrong, kaytee almost died on the table, the next thing I know im at the vets and she was on oxygen and in such a state it almost killed me, they sent her home once she came off the oxygen yet she never came round.
She was in a coma state, she didnt know I was there, there was no response and though she started to try to move a little she couldnt stand or lift her head on her own.

I went to my old vet for a second opinion towards the end of the next day and he said the time had come, she was in a coma, she could move slightly apparently as a nerve in the brain was still functioning I dont properly understand what he meant, but kaytee wasnt there anymore it was just a empty shell. Within seconds she had left us.

The vet I saw for the second opinion said they had been trying to bring her back on the table for 15-20 mins, they told me seconds. He also said that a main valve was going in kaytee's heart and that she wouldnt have been with us for long, he said in a away this was a blessing as we saved her a lot of pain, at the end she didnt know what was happening, (So I hope) and that he thought she wouldn't have lived long with the valve as it was.

I do know that her cough had been awful last week, her heart was so fast and beating so hard around 160-180 beats a minuite.

I blame myself so bad, why did I take her for the heart work up? I feel if only id have said leave the teeth she would still be here now, for how long we dont know but I feel like I killed my one and only reason for living.

Im sorry but I needed to share. thanks for reading. xxx

I am so sorry that you have lost your beautiful Kaytee but please don't blame yourself. You did everything you could for her and kept her going for so long. She did not suffer and would not have known or been in pain at the end.:hug:

Dont blame yourself, you did all you could.

At least she's not suffering anymore

Mel:hug:

Kaytee,
All of the feelings you are having are normal and natural for one who has been through so much trauma. Many on the List can sympathise and share in your grief.

There is always an element of 'Could I have done more?' 'Did I do everything right?'
These are the questions we all ask of ourselves at such a time.

All and everything which you have done for her in the past, and all that you recently did was based on the information you had at that time. The decisions that you made, were made with the intention of doing the very best you could for your dog...................and that is exactly what you did.

It was not in your control that her heart was already so compromised, and of course you were trying to make her more comfortable by your decision to attempt to cure the throat problem.
From what you have told us, I do not think that anything you did hastened her end in any way.
You will have learned a great deal from this experience which will serve you well.
Perhaps some of the guilt you feel comes from having had to 'do the deed'................we can all share in that.
In a while you will be able to remember the happy times you had............
Elspeth

Thank you, I just keep thinking if only I hadnt have changed vets and if only id not have taken her and so on and on, I hope she forgives me, Since the age of 14 ive had to care constantly for my poorly dogs, (im 27 now) firstly my siouxie and then kaytee, though its wonderful I still have two healthy cavs I feel so lost, Im looking for her all the time. Does it ever get better? I hope so.

At the first stages of her coma she was crying, every hour for a few mins, then I keep thinking was she in a coma? would she have cried if she was? tho the second vet was adament there was nothing that could be done, but as you may understand I dont think ill EVER trust a vet again.

I am sorry for your loss. But I think I would listen to what your old vet said -- she was likely saved *much suffering* by being allowed to have peace now rather than enduring further months or weeks of pain. Also it is extremely painful for a dog to have its heart go and they can suffer very badly and this can be very disturbing to witness and you were spared that. In addition, not taking care of her teeth could easily have caused her heart to fail even sooner as bad teeth actually contribute to heart failure. So your vet was right to have undertaken a procedure I think. Any vet can only make a judgement call at the time. And I would totally agree with the approach your vet took regarding her teeth and she clearly needed a heart workup, as your old vet confirmed in saying she was very close to having valve failure. She is very fortunate she was spared that awful, painful fate -- please rest assured she had a far more peaceful, kind and caring ending in this way, as upsetting as it was to have things happen so abruptly.

She had had many many serious health issues that you had cared for and detailed here for a very long time and there comes a point where all those things stack up -- she was an older dog, and had struggled for years; I think she had just reached that point and you did her a great kindness in giving her her wings at this point. :flwr: I would not worry as I think all the right steps were taken for a dog whose health was very poor, and you can cherish your wonderful memories of her instead of having had to watch her pass away with great pain in what probably would have been the near future, according to your old vet. I really think there's a point where our responsibility is to let them have peace, not suffer on because we need them so badly. She will stay with you in your heart. :flwr:

Thank you, it helps to hear your views on this, I wish Id have had her from a puppy and kept her teeth clean like I have the others but she was always in pain as she had gingevitus and they used to bleed so trying to brush made her panic and then her throat would close and I didnt think I should push it, I did give her logic and herbal fragaria but nothing was strong enough.
I pray she is at peace and knows how much we love her.

When someone or something we love dies we always think " what if I had done something different?"

You loved her. You cared for her the best you could, but with compassion and tenderness, trying not to hurt her.

You took your vet's advice, as you had to as he was the one with the knowledge, but vets cannot see all that may go wrong, and she was an old frail lady.

I think you have been a loving and caring Mum and I am sure she knows just how you feel about her

I'm so, so sorry

Please don't reproach yourself. You loved Kaytee, and you did what you thought was best for her. Hold on to your cherished memories of a life well lived, and take care of yourself.

Nick

Agree with others that you did all you could for Kaytee. I'm just so sorry that the end was so traumatic and sudden. Sending healing :hug:.

Heather R

I'm so sorry to read the sad news about your precious girl Kaytee.
I remember reading all your posts about Kaytee's health problems and I always said a little prayer for you as well as Kaytee because I know from your posts how much you loved your special girl.

You did everything possible to give Kaytee a good quality of life and I'm sure she felt cherished.

She is at peace now so tuck her tightly inside your heart and she will always be with you



:hug:

I'm so sorry to hear about Kaytee She is out of pain now, and I'm sure she knows how much you loved her. I remember reading about her health issues, and you did everything you could for her. She was lucky to have you :flwr:

I am sorry for your loss of Kaytee. It sounds like you did absolutely everything for her, she was a lucky girl. :flwr::flwr:

I think I may have posted this poem before, but it seems particularly appropriate for little Kaytee now. Rest in peace, little one - and watch over your Mum who cared for you so very much and loved you so deeply.

You're giving me a special gift,
So sorrowfully endowed,
And through these last few cherished days,
Your courage makes me proud.
But really, love is knowing
When your best friend is in pain,
And understanding earthly acts
Will only be in vain.

So looking deep into your eyes,
Beyond, into your soul,
I see in you the magic, that will
Once more make me whole.
The strength that you possess,
Is why I look to you today,
To do this thing that must be done,
For it's the only way.

That strength is why I've followed you,
And chose you as my friend,
And why I've loved you all these years...
My partner 'til the end.
Please, understand just what this gift,
You're giving, means to me,
It gives me back the strength I've lost,
And all my dignity.

You take a stand on my behalf,
For that is what friends do.
And know that what you do is right,
For I believe it too.
So one last time, I breathe your scent,
And through your hand I feel,
The courage that's within you,
To now grant me this appeal.

Cut the leash that holds me here,
Dear friend, and let me run,
Once more a strong and steady dog,
My pain and struggle done.
And don't despair my passing,
For I won't be far away,
Forever here, within your heart,
And memory I'll always stay.

I'll be there watching over you,
Your ever faithful friend,
And in your memories I'll run,
...a young dog once again.

Its so hard to make that call and most of us on here have had to make what is probably one of the hardest decisions we can ever make. Trust in your Vet they only ever do their best with what is there at the time. Watching a dearly loved one die from heart failure is so heart rendering and at the end you and Kaytee were spared that. Remember her memory will stay in your heart forever, and you will slowly begin to focus on the happy memories and allow the sad ones to fade.

So sorry to hear of your loss. Please know that she doesn't want you to feel bad. You took great care of her, and gave her lots of love- she knows this. In time your heart will heal, and you will always hold a special place for Kaytee in your heart.

So sorry that you lost your Kaytee. She is at peace and you did what was best for her.

Hi Kaytee,

I was just wondering how you are doing, after your terrible news?

Nick

I remember you posting about Kaytee often.. And it was always evident and still is how lucky she was to be with you and how much you loved her. I am so sorry for your loss ;( It's never easy to lose such a good friend. Thinking about you!

Thank you all SO MUCH for your wonderful messages means so much to me, I'm still finding it hard to cope without kaytee she was my everything and as much as I love my other cavaliers kaytee was my world, nothing seems good anymore, I cant enjoy anything and I have never felt so lonely in my life, I miss having someone to care for its so so strange, though I have the others I was attached to kaytee 24-7 and she was so so perfect, I appreciate your kind words as it helps so much right now, your right I did post a lot I just wanted the best for her and I wish I could have done more xxx