Oh Anne.
I cannot imagine how much your heart hurts right now, but I am saying prayer for you. A really, really big one.
Remember too that it is okay to feel this sad. Dog, human, or fish...we all need to go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) before we can begin to heal. However, I believe that the stages of grief are more like a spiral, and you travel in and out of them through the processes vs. just staying in one to move onto another. The spaces between each spiral begin to get wider though, and soon you will feel a sense of peace. One of the things people try to do in grief is to say that "in order to accept, one must not be sad anymore"...well, that is not true. Acceptance can mean anything. "I accept that this is a sad place for me right now", "I accept that Ella needed to be free, and I will hurt because of my love for her", "I accept that this is moving me into a new phase of life and I am willing to go through the emotions to get there".
There is lots of ways to "accept", but the most important thing is that you let yourself feel this way. Feel free to spiral through these stages. Feel free to acknowledge your pain (just like you did here), and really be with what you are feeling. The worst thing to do is pretend you are okay if you are not, and if you are sad, let yourself fully feel that emotion, it is happening to you for a reason and you body needs to work through that energy.
I always feel like writing helps me. Maybe write Ella a letter. Maybe let her write you one.
I write so much and it has helped me through a lot of grief...certainly doesn't fix the pain, but I guess helps with the movement forward.
My heart and hugs go out to you. We are all here for you and this is such a great place to get support when you need it! xx