Crying and have nobody to talk to about my beautiful Abbey

I'm taking a couple days off work to prepare for surgery and today on the agenda is bathe 4 dogs and groom them. I just finished bathing Abbey and I almost cried in there. I had a heck of a time. She didn't even want to stand and at times I literally had to hold her up with one hand and the nozzle in the other hand. As I looked at her I looked at her in a way I never had and I want to call my husband and tell him what I'm feeling right now but I know he would lose it. As I looked at her with her tongue hang out from damage pre surgery and unable to stand I said "omg and now I am crying"--is it time. Is she living any more? now i have completely lost it. I want to call my vet but he's out of town. I can't even see the screen right now.

Hi Linda,
You have us to talk to...and no matter what,we always understand.
I collected my Daisy from the groomer this afternoon and she's been shaved right down and looks like a little plump freckled mole.It's impossible to get a brush on her as she has such a reaction to being touched,even the groomer had quite a job to contend with.
However,we simply do all we can and do our best for them in spite of the challenges.
You really mustn't try to make decisions under stress.
Now that you're off work and have so much time to think,the situation you find yourself in does not lend itself to calm and informed decisions.
Perhaps you need to be a bit selfish and focus on yourself,get through your own surgery and on the road to recovery.
Then take the advice of the specialists about your darling girl,basically you need to see what improvements can be made to her life and see how these goals can be achieved.You need to approach this in a calm and practical way and not be pressurised.
So give yourself some time and allow yourself a break from the worry.
Sins

Hello Linda,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Nobody is going to be able to help you or Abbey through this. Only you can do it, and my goodness you have done a wonderful job so far.

It seems you have reached the stage where you need to put all thoughts of your own and other people's feelings aside and just be sure, as best you can, as to what Abbey is getting out of life right now.

If it is just the trauma of having a bath that has knocked Abbey for six, well it really isn't that necessary to bath a dog regularly, a wipe over with baby bath solution on a dog flannel deals with most things.

If it is more than that and you have come to the conclusion that Abbey is not getting enough enjoyment out of life then her interest, I know, will come first with you.

My friend, You know her best, only you can make the decision.

I could weep for you, for Abbey, for my own Tommy and for myself. There are so many of us knowing what you are going through.

My very best wishes,

I haven't stopped crying since I wrote that. I have never ever thought of putting her down until today. Not even once. After her bath I held her sobbing and she looked at me whacked out like I was crazy. She's not the dog she once was and I truly think its been a very gradual change. Thank you so much for replying sins as even reading that has helped.

It didn't help after writing that that I checked my personal e-mail and somebody sent me a you-tube e-mail with a video of her dog that broke my heart. It definitely was not the greatest video to watch and I saw symptoms in that video that I connected with Bentley and now I'm figuring he probably has it. I recently read on here somebody comparing sm to not a handicap but something else ---can't remember the word. SM is heart breaking.

im so sorry your feeling this bad . please talk to us :hug:im sorry i dont know your story i will have to catch up . have a cuppa and cuddle the dogs and hopefully you will feel a bit better . big hugs x

Oh Margaret and Sins you know what I have gone through with Abbey and how she means the world to me and this is the first day in her life where I am seeing some other things. In regard to bath that isn't really it. Maybe I have emotions hidden down about fear of this surgery in 4 days and this is topping me off. It just breaks my heart right now to have her in those booties which do help but I'm seeing her so differently. I'm trying to think clearly and I'm probably not even making sense right now. I look at her sometimes and I see a person whacked out on drugs. I know when I come home from surgery I hope I'm able to enjoy some time with her but she doesn't even sit on my lap like she used to. She used to live for that.

SM is sooooooooooooooo horrible. I just hate it. Need to pull myself together as I have so much to do before tuesday.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I see her as very handicapped. I look at her sometimes and she just look whacked out--yes its after she has had her drugs. Is this really living? Now she's falling --thats the real heart wrencher. I'm looking at this today as never ever have. She's not in pain--she's happy but is she living? If I was in her shoes would I want to be alive? So now I have a dog with neuro damage, falls etc. She also looks whacked out all the time. ughhh

Linda,

Sins is right. Right now is not the time to be making any decisions. I know how hard it is and I have followed Abby's story. You may have some feelings about your own surgery. That fear can also have to do with Abby. I feel the tears through my screen and it is something I wish I could say something to make it go away. I am here for you and if you ever need to talk, you can send me a PM and I will give you my phone number. (I'm in NC). I think one of the hardest things was how Ella would snuggle up with me but then she wouldnt want to. She would lay on top on the couch (on good days) and I would put my arm on her for a minute. She then would scoot to the other side or go to the cool floor. I would cherish the moments. As for Abby, you will know when you calm down what to do.

Also she could be sensing your anxiety for the surgery. Sometimes when you have time off, it makes you think more and more. Breathe in and out.

I have seen her gradually go down this past year and as I look back a year ago even things are so different. I just looked at her and she was standing with her tongue hanging out as it always does and her legs shaking. Her legs are so weak. She is so different. Mothers intuition--she don't look right but yet as I just said hi baby she looks at me with her tail wagging. She does seem happy. I guess bath put me over the edge today as she had never done what she did today--She just didn't want to stand at all. I am definitely having an emotional day and no I would never make any decisions. You guys will see more on me on here as I will be off from work until I am cleared from physical therapy after my surgery which is probably at least 4-6 weeks.

Bless you all. I haven't had this rough of a time since right after her surgery.

Oh Linda, you poor thing and poor Abbey.
Like others have written, don't go rushing into making any decisions right now.
You are probably up the walls trying to get things organised before your surgery, no doubt bathing Abbey was one of the jobs you had to get done :wink: . You will have plenty of time to evaluate things when you are at home recovering and you can see things more clearly then. I bet she will be thrilled to have you around more too.
Best wishes and lots of :l*v:

linderbelle said:

I guess what I'm trying to say is I see her as very handicapped. I look at her sometimes and she just look whacked out--yes its after she has had her drugs. Is this really living? Now she's falling --thats the real heart wrencher. I'm looking at this today as never ever have. She's not in pain--she's happy but is she living? If I was in her shoes would I want to be alive? So now I have a dog with neuro damage, falls etc. She also looks whacked out all the time. ughhh

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I know you are stressed, but you are asking questions that you will not be able to just put aside.
I do not want to upset you and I agree that you should not make hasty decisions, but I am trying to answer as honestly as I can.

I am disabled but I am happy and it is really living.
Even feeling whacked out leaves the possibility of moments of real enjoyment and many seniors, human and canine, live such a life and are content.

Suddenly realsing how much deterioration has taken place is a shock, but it is when existence becomes more pain than anything else that decisions have to be made. Do you fear that situation has arrived?

SM is horrible and tough to deal with. I think many of us can want to block out the fact that we see progression and sometimes therefore continue to do with our dogs what we did in the past. Abbey is letting you know though that baths are out from now on -- many SM dogs are like this; it is just way too traumatic to try and hold them, wash them, brush/comb hair etc. Any touch needs to be extremely gentle. I suppose imagine if your own body were covered in painful bruising and someone was trying to forcibly hold you and manipulate you and touch all areas of your skin, spray those painful areas with water etc -- it would be pretty traumatic.

Doing baths now sets off my Leo as well for the first time ever and I will need to reconsider how he is cleaned -- he loves to swim so I think I will just let him clean himself that way . I only wash my dogs once every 4 months at most anyway and just gentle rinsing of legs or whatever with warm water and gentle towel dry through soft pats and NO rubbing really is all Abbey is going to need or a wipe down with a baby wipe, very very gently; I'd focus on cleaning her hair and not even touching her body or skin.

You will need to gently accept that she is not like the others though any longer, and cannot be put through the stress and pain of baths -- she must just have reached a point where she is too sensitive to touch.

Maybe it helps to know I also just gave a final bath to Lucy who has MVD -- she is well used to baths, but it was just stressful enough, even though she is very calm during them, that when she was set back down nice and dry, she began to lose her footing, as she does when she gets over-excited or over-stressed now. It is just not fair to ask them to go through with baths any longer when it is distressful as they are perfectly happy (and often happier) without the baths -- baths especially more often then every few months are really more for us.

I hope you can work out a medication routine that works better for her; it sounds like it is a good time to review that.

Oh Margaret I wasn't putting across handicapped isn't living. I have a dear friend that is a quad and loves life. I'm not myself at all today so bear with me. Its all the changes in her.

Margaret I have read what you wrote probably 5 times and you are a blessing as you always are. I truly believe she is happy---I truly believe she is not in pain. She does not cry out. She does not do what she did before the surgery. Yes her legs are weak. We are dealing with making the situation better for her under all the recommendations on here and tips. I'm starting to feel stupid now that I even thought today of even considering putting her down. Geesh have I lost my mind. She has a wonderful life---she has two parents that love her like she were a child and would do anything for her. She is treated like a queen. Her every need is taken care of.

In regards to your last question to me--no after thinking clearly and with the help of my friends on CT no that time is not here.

Karlin---Her legs shake but when she gets excited is when she loses her footing the most so I truly understand and a bath is stressful so I see where you are coming from. We are going to re-evaluate this situation. She could have just been clipped today without bathing. She didn't really stink.

I did e-mail Dr. Shores today and I spilled my guts and he got right back to me and told me he and his residents reviewed her video again and felt she was not in pain. This is what he wrote:

I reviewed her video with my residents and we discussed her condition.
None
of us think she is in pain, so that is a blessing. We do see a
degree of
what we feel like is weakness and she is not fully aware of the
positioning
of her feet and legs. All of this may be associated with a
disorder
involving the nerves or muscles instead of the spinal cord. It
was our
collective thought that you should go forward with your surgery
and then look
at options for Abbey. She seems happy and as we have all
said, not in
pain.

So, I hope all goes well with your surgery -- after your recovery,
please
let us know if we can be of any further help.

Before I go back to work I'm going to have her evaluated by a neuro-her neuro now has moved and is really too far to go so we need to find another.


Bless you all. I feel so much better. You are all here for me when I need you.

linderbelle said:

Before I go back to work I'm going to have her evaluated by a neuro-her neuro now has moved and is really too far to go so we need to find another.

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Linda,

In a few weeks when you are looking at neurologist alternatives, I'll share with you my impressions of Dr. Platt when I took Tucker in for an MRI and evaluation. I liked him very much, so UGA might be an option to consider.

Hang in there and take care of yourself,

Pat

I think I may still have your e-mail Pat but not sure. Could you pm it in case I don't have it. That's great to hear as that isn't that far and I sure do respect your opinion.

Thanks all. What a day. I'm not an emotional person but geesh what happened today.

Hugs to you all that got me through today.

linderbelle said:

I'm taking a couple days off work to prepare for surgery and today on the agenda is bathe 4 dogs and groom them. I just finished bathing Abbey and I almost cried in there. I had a heck of a time. She didn't even want to stand and at times I literally had to hold her up with one hand and the nozzle in the other hand. As I looked at her I looked at her in a way I never had and I want to call my husband and tell him what I'm feeling right now but I know he would lose it. As I looked at her with her tongue hang out from damage pre surgery and unable to stand I said "omg and now I am crying"--is it time. Is she living any more? now i have completely lost it. I want to call my vet but he's out of town. I can't even see the screen right now.

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Internet Huggles!

I can't even imagine being in your shoes, you are doing the best you can and it doesn't seem like enough to you, but it is love.

I don't know about you, but Luka has SM and I take 60 seconds a day and cry and feel sorry for myself and then I get up and try to be brave for him. It's easier a little at a time so it doesn't get overwhelming.

I hope you have a better day.

Thanks Goda.

Where in Seattle are ya? I'm in Georgia--been here for 13 years but first 46 years I was in Seattle area. Grew up in Bellevue then to Kirkland and last place before coming here was Woodinville. My son is in Mill Creek.

linderbelle said:

Oh Margaret I wasn't putting across handicapped isn't living. I have a dear friend that is a quad and loves life. I'm not myself at all today so bear with me. Its all the changes in her.

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Dear Linda,
Don't worry I understood what you were saying and meaning.

linderbelle said:

I'm starting to feel stupid now that I even thought today of even considering putting her down. Geesh have I lost my mind..

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No, these thoughts are what we all face at some time and there are times when it is right that we stop & check out what is currently happening.

linderbelle said:

In regards to your last question to me--no after thinking clearly and with the help of my friends on CT no that time is not here..

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And that is also the opinion that an experienced neurologist has given you, so now you can go ahead with your operation with that clear in your mind.

linderbelle said:

Bless you all. I feel so much better. You are all here for me when I need you.

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What are friends for?

We will be thinking of you over the next few days. When do you go in and how long are you likely to stay in hospital?

I'm so sorry for all you're going through Linda. Sm is just rotten, there's no other way to put it. But, I also want to emphasize that you are going through surgery in a few days and even without the stress of Abbey and maybe thinking Bentley has SM, the thought of surgery and general anesthesia is overwhelming. I had two abdominal hernia surgeries years ago and was a mess for days before I went in for the surgeries just thinking about being put under anesthesia, who's going to take care of my kids, the dogs, etc, if anything happens. Believe me, I cried a river a tears before each surgery. So please don't underestimate the power of what the anticipation of your own surgery is adding to the picture of Abbey. I know you can see a difference, but it might help to take a step back and say o.k. let me re-evaluate when I'm home from surgery and my pain level is tolerable.

I also think that maybe the best thing would be to bring her in to the new neuro you pick for an extensive neuro exam. That will do more to set your mind at ease than sending videos and communicating by e-mail. That way you're face to face, the neuro can see Abbey and can pick up on subtleties that can't be seen on a video, and maybe you can talk about her medication regimen, especially if she seems "whacked" out on her meds. By then she may have lost a little weight so that may make it easier to determine what is actually caused by the SM and what is being aggravated by being too heavy. Be sure to tell George to lay off those treats for her while you're in the hospital!!!!

Close your eyes and take some slow deep breaths. Snuggle with your babies and visualize everything being calm and relaxed. We're here for you. :hug:

I have just caught up with this thread and I am so sorry to see how bad you feel and how your poor little one is deteriorating because of this horrible disease.

My boy Rebel has it too. He was diagnosed a couple of years ago and only became symptomatic several months ago, but the progress of the disease and its effects on him are awful.

Rebel is the opposite of your dog. He was booked in for eye ulcer surgery and a heart x-ray this morning, so of course I bathed and groomed him last night. He is now a retired show dog because of his poor health, so very used to being bathed and groomed and has always been one who cannot stand still for more than 2 minutes at a time but so vain that I have always had to show him his reflection in a mirror when he is done, so that he can admire himself. Last night there was none of this. He stood still as a statue and his eyes looked as though the lights were on but nobody was home. He didn't want to see himself in the mirror, just no interest in what was being done to him, he just wanted to stand there and wait until it was over. I too cried.

When I took him in to the vet this morning half of me wondered whether he would come through the anaesthetic or not. Something inside me said it might be better for him if he did not. When I got the 'phone call to collect him and to have a chat with the vet I changed my mind completely. When the nurse brought him into the surgery I was so relieved that he was ok.

Rebel does have problems and he may be going on to Gabarpentin fairly soon, but when I took him for a walk on the way home he was a slowed down but very happy little dog, sniffing everything he could find and meeting an adoring public in the local shopping centre. His tail wagged like crazy when the staff in the local greengrocery insisted that I should bring him into the shop, where he chatted up and gave kisses to both the girls. Life is good again for this little dog.

What I am saying is that like me you should not give up hope. Okay, this disease is very nasty and it is upsetting to see our dogs deteriorate like this, but if they show us they are happy and their quality of life is generally good, then shouldn't we just count our blessings and be glad that they are still with us.