I want to warn readers that this will be a difficult post to absorb... even writing it through the tears has been a difficult process for myself
I have to say I have been reluctant to post, because I have just been hoping and hoping for something positive to hold onto and report since my last post a month ago. But, I am sitting here 9 months pregnant with my terribly sick guy resting his head on my belly, feeling just awful for all of us. My husband is suffering too with the events for Butters of the last few weeks. I feel I need to write things down instead of continuing to focus on it between just the two of us.
Since my last post, Butters has had just a terrible time with the prednisone. Even with the medication combinations for his tummy (to include Cerenia, Pepsid, Omeprazole, Zofran, Sucralfate) and trying him on a variety of bland diets (we have tried many variations of recommend chemotherapy diets with combinations of chicken, rice, mixed veggies, etc), he has continued to be just terribly sick. There are nights, especially for the 2 nights a week he is off his Cerenia to keep him from becoming immune to its effects, that he is literally up all night gagging with nausea and spitting up. There are many nights that I stay up all night, just trying to hold and comfort him, because he is shaking so badly with his symptoms from the tummy discomfort.
Two weeks ago, we made the transition to cyclosporine to try and more quickly taper the prednisone, on recommendation from the specialist. This allowed us last week to go from giving him 20mg of prednisone a day to 15. However, with the cyclosporine, he now has had on and off severe diarrhea in addition to the continued nausea and tummy upset. We already have had one emergency vet visit, after he started to have blood in the stool. His labwork looked ok, and he did a bit better for a while with an improvement to just soft stools. But, today the diarrhea came back full force. I had left him in his ex-pen to run to the store for some groceries, and came back with him just covered in it. The nausea has also seemed to be worse, not better. Now, even the relief from the Cerenia seems to be waning. The days on the medicine are looking more like the terrible days off... pretty much continuous salivation, nausea, and tummy gurgling.
The hardest part has been seeing how he has been changing with the terrible side effects of this regimen. My husband and I cry together because it feels like we are slowly watching him die. He no longer can jump up on the couch or bed (even has trouble with the little stairs we got for him) because he has lost so much muscle. Food, something that he used to enjoy so much, now is starting to not interest him at all, as there are more and more foods that come off the list of his interests (today, his all-time favorite - peanut butter - was crossed off the list too). He has no interest in playing or toys. The crate, which used to be his safe place, is turning into a place he dreads. All of the special moments that we have shared with him seem to slowly be slipping away, as the things he used to enjoy no longer give him satisfaction. Even cuddling, his all-time favorite activity, seems to be becoming difficult. The little spot he used to snuggle between my husband and I now is too hard for him to get into, as it makes it hard for him to quickly get up when he has a bout of nausea come on. He still wants to be close to us, but he finds it is easier for him to go to the end of the couch where he can quickly get up than snuggle up too closely. Our friends have been amazing at helping us with Butters, continuing to help us watch him during the day during this difficult time. But we are starting to question if it is fair for him. That little spark in his eyes is starting to fade. How much longer can he and we live like this? Will it ever get better?
The only thing that has kept us going these last few weeks were the positive test results, with the positive response from his jaw, that he received last visit. He had regained 50-75% of jaw function, with his CK now down to 400 instead of 16,000 and his antibodies 1/100 (borderline positive for the disease) down from the highest reading >1/1000.
The hardest part about this experience is the dilemma we are in at this moment. If we stop treatment, he will most certainly relapse (he is not yet in remission) and will be guaranteed death at his young age of a year and a half, as his jaws will rapidly begin to no longer function. If we continue treatment, it is quite possible that we will slowly watch him die, bit by bit, in front of our eyes... painfully seeing all the things we have grown to love about this amazing little dog continue to torturously slip away. I just want more than anything our son to grow up with special little dog... to know and love him the way that we do.
My husband and I are both physicians, so we are used to dealing with difficult life and death issues. We are used to helping families make hard decisions, and being faced with terrible dilemmas. We have stood with families as they fight terrible illnesses, and sat with others as they decide the time is to rest and no longer battle. We haven't yet been able to find the right answer for our Butters